Grumpy-Be-Gone

Do you ever wish you could just be grumpy but can’t?

Yes? No? Anyone? Just me?

I’m a night watch student; that means that I do my prayer room hours from 2 am to 6 am, have classes in the morning, and sleep from about 3:30 pm to 12:30 am the next day (at least, that’s the sleep goal). With such an odd schedule, the body doubly feels every bit of sleep lost. So, when I woke up yesterday at 8:30 pm feeling quite sick and lost two hours of sleep on the first night in two weeks I was hoping to get at least a full eight hours of sleep, you can imagine how frustrating it would be. Compounding the frustration was the fact that I was mostly awake from 11 pm on, even though I set my alarm to a bit later in hope of getting more sleep.

When my alarm went off for the third time this morning, twenty minutes before my ride was supposed to pick me up, I picked up my phone and stared at it. Did I want to text my ride and my worship leader, telling them I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be at practice today? Did I want to use four of my grace hours trying to recover some of the sleep that had been eluding me? Did I really want to struggle to stay awake through my practice, prayer room, and class?

I chose to turn off my alarm and get up.

Granted, I’m rather amazed I was able to function well enough to get dressed. But after heating up some leftover box mac n’ cheese (breakfast of champions it is not) and wrapping up in a nice gigantic flannel shirt, I became a little more coherent (but just a little). That’s when the weird conversation I had with myself and God began.

I don’t feel well. I don’t want to do this. I’m tired. Am I feeling depressed? I don’t want to be depressed. I do want to be grumpy. I should be grumpy! I haven’t gotten enough sleep in ages and last night was even worse because I was sick. Why can’t I just sleep? Am I feeling depressed? I’d better make sure I’m not, just in case. Jesus, I ask for a removal of a spirit of heaviness and garment of praise…dang, now I’m not grumpy anymore.

I am, to some degree, still a masochist.

I wanted to be unhappy; I would have even gone so far as to say I had the right to be. (I say “would have,” but to be honest, I’m not sure I've changed yet.) Things were not going the way I wanted, and I wanted to pout about it.

And yet, Jesus used that moment to show me just how much He has changed me. Even as I wanted to be unhappy, I found myself almost involuntarily asking for Holy Spirit to release His joy to my heart. A few months ago, I would have sent the text and spent the rest of the day depressed and energy-less. Today I got up, asked for joy, and stepped out in faithfulness in my current assignment. Do I feel awake? Not really; I’m amazed I actually hit correct notes during my team’s worship practice. But I have peace and joy and the knowledge that I’m growing in faithfulness.

Is it worth it? Sometimes I’m not sure. All I know is that there is something in me that can’t stand not going after God with all I am, and that part of me is finally stronger than apathy and love of this world.

And I will continue in love and obedience until duty is a delight.